First, I would like to thank Merticus for his article Pitfalls, Mousetraps & Elders of the Vampire Community. It has been a wake up call for me. I have been sitting back complaining about all the seeming wannabe vampires and generally dissatisfied with the community as a whole. Rather than rising to the challenge of bettering the community with mature contribution, I've retreated into the shadows and done nothing to bring stability and validity to the community. I do not educate anyone. I do not speak. My failure to support the Vampire Community ends now. With this article, I intend to share my experiences on my path to realizing a truth. I am a Vampire.
I
have always been a person of tumultuous emotion. I was raised an only
child with an emotionally, psychologically and economically abusive
single mother. My heroic father rescued me from this abuse several times
a year for my visitation vacations, at which point his new wife would
rival my mother's treatment of me with favoring her son over me at every
opportunity and being generally cold and severe. I suffered a lot of
loneliness, anger, and sadness as a child.
Given
this painful upbringing, I have to concede the possibility that this
was contributory to my ability to empathize with others. However, I
firmly believe that I was born with strong empathy, and the amount of
pain I suffered was because I was more aware of the motivations of
others than the average child. Possibly these factors strengthened each
other, but the result is that I am an Empath.
Those
who
know me well, know that I am an undisciplined Empath, often unshielded
and subject to emotional feedback from others. This usually exhibits in
expressions of negative emotions when I'm not feeling negative or in
irritability without reason. Yes, I really need to be shielding myself
more often, but it's exhausting to me to both remember to shield and to
maintain that tiny bit of concentration to maintain shields. My solution
is simply to avoid people as often as possible.
I
did not discover the Vampire Community until my late twenties. I came
across a local (Las Vegas) group called Haven of Kindred Spirits when
searching online for occultist groups. I felt compelled to view their
website and read more, but when I read the words "Real Vampires," I was
instantly turned off. I didn't believe in real vampires, and I was very
skeptical of any group, free-thinking occultists or otherwise, claiming
to support real vampires. So, I dismissed them and
moved on with my life.
A few months
later, I was at work in a large electronics store that I will refrain
from naming, and I helped an older gentleman with his technical
questions. In the course of helping him, his esoteric studies came to
light, and I was able to explain the workings of his device using a
Reikki metaphor. I guess he was impressed with my ability to relate
Reikki to technology, and he invited me to his home for a Tarot Reading.
My
initial thoughts were, "This is Vegas, everyone and their mother's dog
claims to be psychic and able to tell you what lucky numbers to play at
the tables, etc. His home? Really? Does he think he's
gonna get lucky? Seriously, this is stalker-ish. He's just another
customer. Blow him off." So, I politely thanked him for the offer and
tried to decline, but he insisted on giving me his number and told me to
call him when I got off work for driving instructions
to his house.
Despite my misgivings,
when I got off work that night, I really didn't feel like going home.
All my friends were busy, and this guy's invitation was the only bit of
entertainment I could find. I thought, "OK, so, it might be dangerous,
but what was life without a little adventure?!" So I called him and got
directions to his home.
Ralph was
nothing but respectful. His dogs were sweet, and despite his curious
notions about angels and druidism, I found him knowledgeable and
legitimate. The reading he gave me was informative and accurate. He
introduced me to his wife when she got home a little later, and there
was absolutely no funny business. As I was getting ready to leave for
the night, Ralph suggested I come to this esoteric group he attended
every weekend. He gave me the meeting place and time and said he would
be pleased to see me there. This would be my first meeting with Haven of
Kindred Spirits (HoKS).
It was
like the gods had manipulated events to put me at this meeting, to
start me on the path. I came face to face with self-proclaimed vampires
& Otherkin, and they didn't seem that psychotic! I began to hear
some of their stories and detect similarities with my own experiences,
but I was adamant that I was no vampire. I mean, I thought that should
be something I already knew, right?
I
no longer associate with the HoKS group for personal reasons, but I will
take another cue from Merticus and leave it up to others to decide for
themselves if HoKS is the group for them. The point is that my time with
them started me on the path. It took some time, but I finally was able
to accept that I am a Vampire.
I was
pretty confident in ruling out sanguinism. The thought of drinking blood
makes me ill, despite a penchant for rare beef and raw fish. I started
out using the term succubus, not because I felt any connection to the
stories of Heaven and
Hell, angels or God, but because it was becoming clear that I was
feeding from my sex partners. All of my lovers suffered headaches after
sex, while I felt contented and peaceful. Lovers who achieved climax
when I did not suffered migraines and muscle aches while I experienced
increased energy and unusual mental clarity. This would last for several
hours, causing my lover to retire early while I had energy for all
kinds of writing, website design, house cleaning and other projects.
Sometimes, this energy made me feel primal and bestial, and boredom and
restlessness would spark new projects and snap decisions to commit to
things I didn't have time for.
Since
then, I've learned my limitations. I've also learned that I can feed
from many sources, all of them centered around emotional energies (a
first hand link to Pranic Vampires and Empathy). I can feed from very
dramatic and well acted movies and shows, intensely emotional role-play
scenes
(sexual and otherwise), and certain kinds of music.
Lately,
I've gone to listening to a particular Internet station that plays
party, dance and pop music with almost no commercials. It's very happy,
uplifting and sexy music, and it makes me feel good and helps shield me
from the world of negativity around me. However, in trying to write some
more compelling and darker fiction, this music is actually detrimental
to my talent. I actually have to switch to more emotional music, like
symphonic rock, alternative rock, grunge rock, heavy metal and horror
movie scores in order to channel the dark emotions and put them into my
stories. In this and other ways, I find that music effects more than my
moods and is an energy in itself. I feed more on music than any other
energy.
So there is my story. I hope it
helps to further the study of vampires. I shared this to help give
another point of reference to others to analyze and compare to their own
experiences with the goal of finding clarity in their own conditions. I
think the only people qualified to study vampires are vampires. We are
diverse enough to prove to ourselves that we are real. We are both
sympathetic and skeptical of our curiosities. We can relate to each
other without losing objectivity.
I am
not "out" as a vampire. A few people online and a few close friends I
had met at HoKS (including my husband) know and understand. I am content
with this level of secrecy. I don't feel compelled to seek Vampire
Rights. I think Vampires are too complicated to be categorized and
treated by medical professionals. Before we can ask for understanding
and acceptance, we have to first convince them we exist and are real.
Then comes the blow back of fear and superstition and attacks from the
religious right! Are we now being denied any rights because of our
status as Vampires? I don't think so, but I could be wrong.
On
a final
note, while I agree with Merticus that we shouldn't go around
appointing elders to dictate to us what it means to be "Vampire," I
think a database of respected leaders in the community is called for. I
have a couple of names I'd like to add to such a list as a place for
knowledgeable, down to earth information without hype or sensationalism.
With that, I wish you all blessings.
Mau
